NICK'S CRAP JOKE PAGE

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.

Have you heard about the magic tractor? It went down the lane and turned into a field.

You know those Mange-tout? They're really nice but I couldn't eat a whole one.

I got stung by a bee the other day. He charged me 20 quid for a jar of honey.

My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

She's a dark horse. Who's that then? Black Beauty.

He's always hanging around. Who's that then? Spiderman.

It's a mug's game. What is? Pottery.

It's not it's all cracked up to be. What isn't? Crazy paving.

He's still hanging around that old bag. Who's that then? Father Christmas.

He's heading for a breakdown. Who's that then? The AA man.

It's not on. What isn't? off.

It's a game. What is? Chess.

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

I went to get my haircut the other day and the barber said, 'You need your hair cutting badly.' And I said, 'I don't want it cutting badly, I want it cutting well.' He said, 'You want it cutting around the back.' I said, 'Want's wrong with in here?' He said, 'I got broken into the other day.' I said, 'how did they get in then?' He said, 'Intruder window.'

I bought a chess set the other day. I started eating it but it tasted horrible, so I took it back to the shop and said, 'here, this is stale mate.' The shop-keeper said, 'no it's not.' I said, 'yes it is. Check mate.'

I bought a tie the other day but it was a bit tight so I had to take it back.

I went to buy some camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

I bought some evaporated milk the other day, but when I opened the tin there was still some left.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

I went to a pub the other day and asked for a bag of helicopter crisps. The barman said, 'we've only got plain.'

Two Aerials met on a roof, fell in love, & got married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy said to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's bloody heavy."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bastard!"

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself she came to a conclusion. The quickest and surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. She shot herself in the left kneecap.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me? Doctor : Yes ... 'you're f*****g crackers.'

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought, 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' I said 'I careered off the road.'

Other "Jokes" will appear here shortly.

Don't go away now.